Sister Cities: Some reflections on reflections

Music has a funny way of being released at the perfect time. Suddenly you have ten or eleven songs that seamlessly contain everything you’re feeling at the time. For instance, when The Maine dropped Lovely Little Lonely last year, it was the only thing I needed. Everything about that album was so in tune with my life at the time, I gorged myself on it. And in 2016, when Boston Manor released Be Nothing, the moody vibe and dose of anger was perfect for my situation at the time.

Sister Cities is not that album. From my very first listen, I was pretty sure that it isn’t what I need now, it’s probably what I’ll need in about three months. But that’s not a bad thing. I think I’ll grow with it, or maybe grow into it. I’m not enjoying it any less, but I am listening to it at a slower rate. Some things are meant to be inhaled. Sister Cities should be tasted, mulled over and carefully consumed.

The Wonder Years made an album so intricately poignant, I’m continuously floored by the subtle weight of it. It’s a sort of blink and you’ll miss it feeling that pops up over and over throughout the eleven tracks. With the themes travel and human connection throughout, it seems that maybe that’s the whole point.

This isn’t an album review. It’s more of a “hey, you should really go check this out and then report back and tell me what you think” sort of thing. Give it a listen, then a few more.

I’m embarrassed to say that it took me a good three years from finding out about this band to feel like I can call myself a fan. I was born and raised in Philadelphia so I basically bleed liberty bells and soft pretzels. You’d think it would have been an instant thing. Now I’m fully invested. Sister Cities pulled me in and by the looks of things won’t be letting go any time soon.

Not (really) Writer’s Block

I got home from vacation after writing about a thousand words a day which was my quota at the very beginning of my book writing process. I was so insanely excited to be moving along that fast after over a month of very slow writing.

There were a lot of factors that made writing in New England easier than writing in my bedroom. The most obvious of these was that I was simply in a new place, among trees and a lot of natural light. New places are highly conducive to increased creativity. I don’t know if this has been scientifically proven or not, but it really feels that way to me. New things to explore help spark that glorious brain power which in turn helps with the oh so difficult writing process.

When I got home, I was about five thousand words away from hitting 100,000 words. I was planning on hitting that super satisfying milestone in the same week. If I was still writing at that breakneck pace, I would have about four days later.

Here I am at precisely 96,800 words. Yes, I just checked my word count and that’s what it said. It’s frustrating, it’s painstakingly slow right now, but it’s not really writer’s block. It’s close.

Right now, I can absolutely sit down and write, but it’s like watching paint dry. That’s actually how dull it is. Scenes that I’ve been planning since February are coming out flat, dry and entirely boring.

So I don’t have writer’s block. I think I have content block. Humor block, personality block, interest block. I feel like I’m writing bad skeletons of a scene instead of the scene itself. All of my characters are speaking the same way, with the same non-existent inflections. The forest has stopped sending tingles down my spine and that’s actually a huge problem.

I don’t think people talk too much about this nasty part of the writing process. About how at less than a quarter of the way from the end, everything really feels like it’s falling apart. It does. It feels like I can’t write these scenes as hard as I try.

I’m going to take a little step back and work on other parts of the process. I have a beta questions to work on, beginning chapters to edit, and other more fun things like cover art brain storming to do. My extremely talented friend and roommate from Gap offered to do my cover when the time comes, so I’m pretty excited about that.

That’s all for now, hope you’re all well!

Breakthroughs, Hiccups, and Vacation

Hi everyone! I’ve had quite the eventful week or so so I thought I’d hop on the old wordpress and tell you about it.

I guess the first thing I should talk about is the (amazing) progress I’ve made in therapy. A few weeks ago I had what’s known as a “breakthrough”. It’s literally exactly what it sounds like. So the fun thing about EMDR is that when it works, it’s like someone flipped a brain switch, and all of a sudden something feels different. In my case, I was suddenly able to talk to people. In other words, people in general lost their “scary factor”. If you suffer from social anxiety, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

If that doesn’t make enough of a point, one day I wouldn’t have dreamed about going into a store by myself and buying something. The next day, I’m in a bookstore alone and buying a book. Easy as that. Except it wasn’t.

I’ve been working my butt off with the same therapist for what will be two years this september. When I started with her, I just about to turn eighteen, and this year I’ll turn twenty. It’s been a long time, and I truly believe I wouldn’t have had the breakthrough I did working with anyone else. My therapist is an actual superhero, and I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.

This is huge, because it’s opened up a lot for me, and as I continue to get better, I’ll be able to continue to push myself more and more. For instance, after I bought the book by myself, I decided that I’d make my next goal to buy merch at Warped Tour by myself which I did in the first twenty minutes of being in the venue. If anyone’s having a similar thing going on right now, and is heading out to the last week of Warped for some reason, Knuckle Puck’s merch guy is very nice. After that, my next goal that day was to watch a set myself. I also ticked that box multiple times that day.

I know this blog has been a lot of doom and gloom, so it’s so, so exciting to be able to report something happy and good every so often. By no means am I out of the woods yet. Physically, I’m still very sick, and mentally, I’m still struggling. As my mom says, one aspect of my life has changed and that’s really what it is. It feels as if I’m carrying around one less hippopotamus on my back and it’s incredible.

Moving on. My family headed up north last weekend, and spent four nights in a super secluded house. We all got the chance to relax and get away from the city for a bit. I got a lot of writing done, and we did a 1000 piece puzzle in three days and didn’t kill each other. Wow! It was lovely.

I also got to visit the camp I lived at for a few months last fall while I did my Gap program. I few of my fellow “gappers” and another very close friend are all working there this summer and it was amazing to see them. One of my gap roommates came to dinner with us, and getting to hang out with her again was amazing. We really get each other and for me, that’s pretty rare so I’m always thrilled to see her. Even better, she’s going to be in Philly this fall for college. I can’t wait.

In other news, my anxiety is still alive and kicking. Yeah, like I said, it’s a work in progress. Yesterday I had to go to a new doctor for my messed up sinuses and it was a very negative experience. He was patronizing, rushed and ignored what I was trying to tell him. He immediately wanted to prescribe medicine (never a good sign) and set me up with invasive allergy testing (also never a good sign). I was so shaken by the whole thing that I almost had a panic attack when we left. Just writing about it is making my chest tight. It’s safe to say I will not be going back for allergy testing. I won’t be going back to him at all. On to the next ENT. I’m not mad about it. My alarm bells still work though. That gut feeling is important, and this was all wrong.

I’m currently listening to A LOT of music, and I’m so in love with Boston Manor’s new single. The video is a little disturbing, but the song itself is great, so maybe don’t watch but listen if that’s not your thing.

Thanks for sticking around all of you. Also there’s been a few of you who’ve joined the fun recently, so thanks for that and welcome.

Alright, signing off now.

Playlist Three: Warped Edition

Oh, look! I’m back with another playlist! I thought I’d put together a playlist of songs by bands I saw on Warped. This is a bit of a longer playlist, but trust me you’re glad I didn’t include a song from every single band. Eighteen songs would’ve been a bit much the the casual listener.

I picked up a strep infection, presumably at Warped and it’s knocked me flat on my ass for the last week. I’m on a lot of ibuprofen right now, so I thought I’d hop on here and make a quick playlist while I’m not crying from the pain. True story. Sore throats are terrible.

Anyway, I feel like this is a bit of an emo playlist, but I’m not the genre police, so I won’t call it that definitively. Let me know what you think.

The thing I love about Warped is you can causally check out new bands with no “risk”. You’ve already bought your ticket, so if you walk around for a half hour and get pulled in, no big deal. I love those smaller sets where you can really just soak it all in and get acquainted in a chill way. Alright, you all know how much I love small stages. Enough, moving on.

Tell me in the comments what your favorite song was, and or any new music you’ve discovered recently. Until next time.

Warped Tour 2016

Oh Warped Tour. Where do I even start? This was our second time at Warped and it was pretty different from last year. The 2016 Warped Tour is made up of seven different stages, six of which are alternating stages. This means that at any given time there should be four different bands playing. We were a bit sad that there was no acoustic tent this year as that was a nice place to chill out in 2015.

The other major difference this year (at least at our date) was that the main stages were in the pavilion. Last year, the second stages were in the pavilion, which made for a very relaxed, chill sort of haven from the rest of the tour. This year the pavilion was sort of hellish as it was wildly crowded all day.

I spent a lot of time on my own this year. First thing, I left my cousin by the main stages to go outside and walk around. One of my favorite parts of Warped is the atmosphere, and I wanted to soak up as much as I could early in the day. I bought my first merch of the day and met John from The Maine, who just happened to be chilling at their beautiful blue tent.

Then it was back to the main stages for Set It Off (one of Lea’s favorites), State Champs, The Maine, New Found Glory and The Story So Far. Let’s just say that after that, all I wanted to do was get out of the pavilion. After the first couple sets, I started to feel very lightheaded and wasn’t getting enough air. I wasn’t feeling good in the morning, and I very quickly realized that as much as I wanted to be in the pit, my body simply couldn’t handle the crazy main stage crowds.

After that, I left Lea to watch the rest of Mayday Parade and headed back out to catch Broadside. While I was walking over, I spotted The Maine’s drummer Pat and asked him to sign my American Candy CD. Both of the guys from The Maine were super friendly and excited that it was Lea’s first time seeing them. I also had them sign a schedule for her so she’d have a nice souvenir.

Broadside was one of my favorite sets of the day, and it was then that my day really started looking up. It was blazingly hot in the morning, but by the time Broadside hit the Poseidon stage in the early afternoon, it was cool and breezy.

After that, I stayed outside for almost the whole rest of the day. One of the things I love about Warped is the interaction you get at the smaller stages, and I’d been missing that feeling earlier in the day. There’s nothing like a small, tight knit community of a crowd and it’s magic when everything falls into place.

I watched Emarosa (who happened to be releasing their album that day) and Ballyhoo by myself, and it was nice to kind of lose myself in the music.

During the afternoon, Lea and I met up a few times between sets, and even watched a few together. We watched SYKES together, and had a great time dancing to their infectious music. After SYKES, Lea left for the main stage to see We The Kings, and I stayed at the Cyclops stage for Against The Current who were a lot of fun, and very energetic.

Then, it was time for ROAM. We met up once again, and watched a great pop-punk performance complete with guest vocals and a few back flips. I mean, who doesn’t love a good back flip? It started to rain during ROAM, and I was worried that the show would get cut, but the lightning held off and the sun started to peak through the clouds.

My favorite set of the day was Knuckle Puck. The first time I saw them, they opened for The Maine, and I got trampled during their set which definitely took away from the enjoyment factor. This time, we positioned ourselves at the very edge of the crowd and still had a great view. Much safer that way. Knuckle Puck was the perfect amount of imperfection and it was great to see some of the songs from the incredible Copacetic live. Another highlight of the day was when members of Real Friends came out and sang guest vocals and played guitar.

There was only one set left for us to see after Knuckle Puck, and we piled back into the pavilion to see Yellowcard. What an incredible end to the day. I grew listening to Ocean Avenue, and finally getting to see them was practically a religious experience. I’m so glad we’re going to be able to see them play one last Philly show this November.

All in all Warped Tour was fantastic this year, and I saw 18 bands! Two more than last year!

My favorite sets of the day were SYKES, The Maine, ROAM, Knuckle Puck, and Yellowcard.

I also got some great merch, so I thought I’d show you all.

If you’re heading out to Warped this year, I’d highly recommend hanging out at the Cyclops and Poseidon stages for a while. There’s so many great bands, and the crowds are manageable.

Was anyone else at the Camden date of Warped Tour? I’d love to hear about how your day was, so tell me in the comments if you want.

Excerpt Two

This forest in particular had a reputation. Many who hiked it said that they felt as if they were being watched. Others said that they heard voices calling to them. When asked who was calling, they often couldn’t give a straight answer. I’d heard these tales since I was little, but hadn’t spent long enough in the forest to understand what they were talking about. I understood now, on some level.

The trees provided a cover so thick in most places that as we climbed rock wall after rock wall we could barely see the sky. For this reason, I barely noticed when the sun started to fall, bathing the rocks and trees in a warm peachy golden light.

 

Still hanging out in the trees. I finished outlining this week, so now I know exactly what I’m writing toward. It’s honestly the biggest relief and now I just have to write the last third of the book. I’m hoping to have it done by the end of the summer, which will see me into the editing and beta reader phase. And you thought you were having an exciting June.

Excerpt

The trees themselves were watching me. That was the only explanation, however irrational, it made sense to me as I hiked this trail. The trees were a singular unit, an army of sorts. They looked down on me from their dizzying heights. They knew all about this forest, this mountain. They knew more than I did or ever would and they weren’t going to give up their secrets so easily. I’d have to infiltrate their ranks, and earn their trust if I wanted answers. I knew they had the answers I was looking for, if only I had the right questions to ask.

A little taste of what I’ve been working on the past few months. More to come if anyone is interested.

Chronic Fatigue: What You Don’t See

There is a difference between being tired and chronically exhausted. Tired is tired. You get a good night sleep and you’re ready to go the next morning. Chronic fatigue is all of the good nights of sleep in the world without any energy in return.

Out of all of the topics I’ve written about on this blog, I’ve only very barely skimmed the surface of what it’s actually like to live with chronic fatigue as a teenager. TL;DR it absolutely sucks.

I spent most of my early teenage years totally convinced that I was simply out of shape and lazy. That hard as I tried, that was the reason why I was never able to keep up with my classmates. I was lazy and out of shape. That’s it.

It took a few more years to even get a diagnosis, and even now there’s not really much anyone can do about it. I’ve tried acupuncture which was great for knocking down pain but did nothing for energy. I’ve also tried stimulants which also did nothing for my energy levels.

Now the thing that seems to be the hardest for people to understand about chronic fatigue is that it’s not always the same. For instance, sometimes I have enough energy to go for a walk, shopping, and see a friend all in one day. Sometimes (most of the time) I’m too listless to do any of that. The thing that never wavers is the price paid for any activity. If I do all of the aforementioned activities, I will be that much more exhausted for  more time than it took me to do all of those activities. Let’s say I go shopping for two hours, I’ll probably be that much more exhausted for six, eight, ten hours. A whole day, two days. It’s not a very balanced proportion.

Here’s a great analogy that I use to explain my energy supply to people. I start the day with ten spoons (don’t ask me why it’s spoons, it just is) which each represent an amount of energy. So in the morning I’ve got ten spoons. Then I go for a walk, boom we’re down to eight spoons. Then I make lunch, down to six spoons. Then I have an appointment in the afternoon. Now I’ve only got three spoons. The next day, I’ll probably only start with three or if I’m lucky, four spoons. I don’t get an energy refill every day. If I go to a concert, which is my absolute favorite thing in the world, I’ll pay for it for the next week and a half. That’s just how chronic fatigue works.

Remember that ridiculous notion about just being lazy? Alright, let’s address this real quick. To an outsider, that’s what it looks like. Here’s a little story for you.

When I was at Gap, we went rock climbing on a day when just getting out of bed felt nearly impossible. Rock climbing. Not indoor rock climbing. No, this was hardcore, outdoor, steep as all get out, actual rock climbing. It was a cold day, and the idea of spending the entirety of it under a giant cold rock face wasn’t overly appealing.

Before we left, I told my program leaders that I was having a bad fatigue day and I wasn’t going to climb, and I wasn’t going to belay because I didn’t want someone else’s life in my useless hands. They said that was fine. I could sit and watch all day if that’s what I wanted.

Fast forward a few hours, I got roped into back up belaying. For those of you who aren’t familiar, that’s basically just standing there and holding a rope. Then if the climber falls, you have to drop to the ground to take up the slack. Not a big deal for a healthy person. Not a big deal for anyone, right? Wrong! I politely explained to one of the staff member on the trip with us who asked me to take his place that I wasn’t belaying today. He didn’t know about my situation. How could he have? He wasn’t one of my program leaders. But what he said to me made me want to crawl into a cave and hide.

“It’s your program honey.”

Ah, how degrading. Lovely. To him, I probably just looked like I was sitting doing nothing. To me, standing there, with my neck craned watching our climber was not only painful, it was a price I wasn’t looking to pay that day.

Chronic fatigue is no joke. It’s bone aching tired that you can’t just out-lazy yourself out of. It’s being too tired to stand there and hold a rope. It’s the excuse that no one wants to hear. It’s easy to brush aside, easy to miss, easy to roll your eyes at without a second thought.

Here’s what I’m getting at. If there’s someone in your life suffering from this entirely degrading illness, cut them some slack and do it with respect and dignity. No one chooses to be tired all the time. Chronic fatigue takes so much. I’ve missed so many things I wanted to do because I was too tired. I’ve spent countless days lying in bed because I don’t have the energy to do anything else.

So next time someone doesn’t want to hold the rope, pick up the slack, keep in mind they might be battling something completely invisible but entirely valid.

Alone In The Woods

I think as much as I wanted to write post after post about Gap on this blog, there was something that tore me away from that particular want.

One of the more unique things we did was a 24 hour solo in the woods at the very end of October. Or at least that’s what we were supposed to be doing. I did half of it, about 12 hours and even those 12 weren’t completely solo. I had two different interactions with other people during the day.

Before you scoff at your screen and call me a wimp (please go ahead if you’re so inclined) let’s talk about what this actually entailed.

The official name of this activity was “Fire Vigil”. The goal of this solo was to spend 24 hours alone in the woods and keep a fire going the entire time. We were also supposed to fast (water was allowed and encouraged), and we weren’t allowed to take anything with us to keep us occupied. No books, no journals, no knives, and of course no electronics of any kind. The people in my group who went all in didn’t even take flashlights with them.

Now, we spent about a week preparing for this ordeal (I say ordeal because it was.) We set up tarp shelters made up of a cord tied between two trees with a tarp strung over it and staked to the ground from all four corners. We also dug fire pits, no easy task in the woods. Can’t dig em by large roots or else you’ll have an underground forest fire waiting to happen. We were also supposed to gather our weight in firewood, at least.

It’s funny writing this because looking back, I really didn’t do much of what was prescribed. I built my shelter, dug my pit, gathered some wood. That’s pretty much where my rule following stopped.

The goal of this vigil was not purely physical. We were really supposed to be closing the childhood chapter of our lives during this experience. As soon as I heard this, I immediately didn’t want to do it. You see, after missing most of my life as a teenager, I’m not ready to close that particular chapter of my life yet. I shied away from the whole thing.

When I set out with my pack on the morning of the vigil, I wasn’t planning on sleeping outside. I wasn’t going to fast. I really can’t with this many heath problems. I also brought a flashlight and wore a watch. By the time I got all the way up to my site which was in the upper part of the forest, I was so tired I set out my sleeping bag, crawled in and fell asleep for the first couple of hours.

Let’s just say surprised isn’t half of what I felt when I heard someone calling my name to wake me up.

I sat straight up, startled by the one sound I didn’t think I’d hear. Outside of my tiny shelter was one of the other girls in the program, and the only other person in the upper part of the forest for her solo.
She was a mess, in complete panic mode. After she sat down in my shelter with me, I managed to find out that she’d gotten to her site and immediately felt like something was off.

I believe the way she phrased it was feeling “like something bad is going to happen” and feeling “unsafe.”

We sat together for awhile, part of me feeling like we were cheating in some way by sitting together. The other part feeling extremely worried for my friend. She was probably the most excited for this whole thing out of everyone. We walked down to the send off ceremony hours before and she was totally fine. Somehow, the woods had driven her to tears in just a few short hours.

It was the trees. It was the trees. The trees didn’t want her there, and something terrible was going to happen.

Funnily enough, the first time I visited my site I’d loved it. It was perfect, I would be ok there for a day. The next time I went, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. The next time something felt off. The next time I felt as if I was being watched. By the time I got to the solo day, something didn’t feel right. Maybe it was true that the trees didn’t want us there.

My friend went back to her site for an hour after we sat together, and the panic didn’t go away. She wound up back at our house for the night and so did I.

I was planning on staying the night at dinner time. I sat in my tiny shelter and ate my jerky and granola bars. And then it happened.

It wasn’t safe anymore, I was being watching, someone was going to hurt me. I needed to get out of the woods and I needed to get out right then. I packed up my sight in about three minutes and in a wash of tears, I turned on my flashlight and stumbled out of the woods and back to our house.

Maybe it’s important to mention that it was the day before Halloween when we had our solos. It’s also important to mention that it was below freezing for a lot of the day.

Interestingly, no one else has had the same experience in that part of the woods, but everyone else made it through the night outside. It wasn’t easy mind you. Our group came back the next morning in various states of disarray. Some of the other girls mentioned that they too were terrified when it got dark. Some of them even admitted to crying as well. It’s scarier than you might think.

It’s interesting how our minds can play tricks on us when we’re alone that long. Or maybe they’re not playing tricks on us at all and something terrible really would have happened if the two of us had stayed in the woods.

Pushing Through It: Pain and Fatigue

One of the things I hear quite frequently from people who have little to no education on chronic pain or fatigue is this question: “What if you just push through it?” This is by far one of my least favorite configurations of English words ever and I think we’ve held off on answering this question so here’s a bit of an answer. Or at least my answer.

September 13th, 2015 was my fifth day in New Hampshire this fall. Day five of Gap, day two of our “Orientation Backpacking Trip” (what a curveball) and by far one of the most painful days I’ve had in years. You see, Day 5 was Summit Day (yes, this deserves CAPS trust me).

I can proudly say that I summited Mt. Adams aka the second highest mountain in the Northeast standing a wee 5,793 ft in elevation. Ok, it’s no Everest but it’s also no joke.

Seriously. This hike is more like a climb for a good 2-3 miles. I’m talking near vertical rock scrambling at times, and when it’s not nearly vertical it’s still almost all rocky uphill terrain. This mountain also boasts three false summits, meaning that not once, not twice but THREE TIMES do you reach a summit that feels like the summit but isn’t. I’m lucky enough to have backpacked in Alaska as well as Costa Rica which is comprised solely of hills that have it out for you. Climbing Adams was harder than Alaska (not overly intense where I was) and Costa Rica put together.

(One of the less-steep parts of the hike)

You see where I’m going with this? No one told us that a few nights after arriving in New Hampshire we’d be on the side of a mountain in windy, slightly rainy conditions.

Completing this hike with fairly serious chronic pain and fatigue was nearly impossible. I was actually holding one of my roommate’s hands when we summited (last I might add).  That’s how done I was. Yes, of course it was amazing to make it to the top, even a bit emotional but it was hard. Not just getting out of bed in the morning at 6am when you don’t want to hard. This was “how the hell am I going to finish this without breaking?” hard.

(This was either at the summit or close. I’m in the black rain coat sitting in from of that boulder.)

I think the main thing people often forget about the aftermath. The thing is, that yeah of course I can “push myself” to my absolute physical limit and climb a freaking mountain, but I pay for it. I pay for it for days if not weeks afterward. I couldn’t climb stairs standing up for about three days after that climb because my knees were so inflamed. I had to scoot down on my butt in front of strangers at Grey Knob because I couldn’t climb down standing up. Fun. For the next week and a half I had bouts of full body pain so agonizing that it made me nauseous. These episodes often lasted the better part of the day.

Oh, and of course let’s not forget the exhaustion. Bone tired is the best description I can come up with. This exhaustion is so deep it feels as if your bones just want to nap all the time.

So if you were wondering, this is it’s what it’s like to “just push through” chronic pain and fatigue. Can we do it? Well, sure. Or at least I can. Do I pay for it for weeks afterward? You betcha! We pay for everything though. It’s a system of give and take that has no easy answers. And no, I’m not planning on climbing any more mountains any time soon.

Time check: 11:22pm January 23rd 2015